THE 12 STAGES OF CHRISTMAS

25 Dec

1.  Denial – Arrive at parents and pretend your mother did not just insult your hair, your makeup and your kid.

2.  Resistance – Resist the urge to be defensive and/or drink copious amounts of rum.

3.  Relief – Celebrate the arrival of your sister and her family and the brief relief you will get from the onslaught of motherly guilt.

4.  Annoyance – Tell your father firmly for the fifth time you do not want to try the peanut butter fudge shipped to him from Michigan and shoot your mother dirty looks as she questions what color your hair really is.

5.  Organization – Meet with sister, synchronize watches and decide what time for each event and when you will be leaving.

6.  Enthusiasm – Fake it while your children open gifts.

7.  Anger – Suppress it while your mother begins bemoaning the fact she was fired from yet another job and overplaying her victim hand.  Fight it when she begins crying how much pain she is in and how she cannot go back to work, yet she joins in with you and your sister who is now doing a kick line and singing Christmas carols badly.

8.  Bargaining – Tell yourself if you do not confront and/or argue with your mother there is a place in heaven for you.

9.  Depression – Gorge yourself with food to numb the fact this is your holiday.

10.  Passive Aggressiveness – Giggle with your sister as you close your eyes in every picture your drunken uncle attempts to take.  Do not feel guilty.  The pictures are so blurry you can’t even tell who is who.  This is followed by much merriment as your sister takes a few of the many magnets on the refrigerator and throws them on the floor, ornaments off the tree she then throws behind the tree, and a knick knack or two that will never be found.

11.  Enlightenment – Realize you still have two more days to celebrate Christmas and this is not going to ruin your spirit.

12.  Acceptance – Accept this is your family, the only one you get, and drive away, squealing your tires and grateful you have survived it.

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8 Responses to “THE 12 STAGES OF CHRISTMAS”

  1. DaPoet December 25, 2010 at 3:37 pm #

    This is why I chose to stay home on Christmas day… 🙂

  2. Cold Dead Heart December 25, 2010 at 4:57 pm #

    my new new tradition…a Christmas sit in that involves seeing no one I’m related to except my kid.

  3. Scotia Nightpoetry December 25, 2010 at 6:13 pm #

    Great post – laughed and thought in equal measure – hope you had a nice day…Brian.

    • Cold Dead Heart December 25, 2010 at 9:19 pm #

      At least the New Years holiday comes without family obligation. Had a great holiday despite it all, hope you did too.

  4. Dr. Tom Bibey December 26, 2010 at 6:55 am #

    Lord have mercy young’un. I hope you have a better 2011.

    I’m an old Doc, and here’s one of my secrets. As I approach my Earthly finish line, I realize everyone in the world is crazy. If your family isn’t a clan of ax murderers, you just gotta count your blessings and keep going.

    Dr. B

  5. Cold Dead Heart December 26, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    Dr. B your post made me laugh out loud. It’s like that saying about giving a speech and seeing everyone in their undies. That’s my new year’s resolution, to just realize how crazy my family is and hope I’m not like them. Thanks for your comment and making my day.

  6. Diana December 26, 2010 at 11:07 am #

    I am only sorry most of the knick knacks were too big to palm. there would be a lot more missing.

    • Cold Dead Heart December 26, 2010 at 11:09 am #

      LOL…and thus concludes our passive aggressive Christmas.

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