Since moving back to hometown, my life has been a whirlwind of chaotic. My mother is still addicted to prescription pills and my aunt has now received a death sentence since discovering her cancer has spread. My father is becoming brain addled and depressed. My daughter is angry her father has disappeared from her life. My immediate future feels thrown to the fates.
I’ve been told by a professional I am amazingly well adjusted to the stress in my life. Maybe it’s just my mind’s eye looking back at what was before. The chaos of a past relationship that left my soul bruised and battered. Left me less than what I was. Recovering from the day in and day out pandemonium of that time was a slow and arduous process that led me here. I’m no longer pretending to be happy, I’m optimistic I am.
I was told today by someone who can count down their days on the calendar that being happy is the most important thing. So many hours are squandered in the not. So many days mourning what is just out of reach. So many good things are rare in life, and we let them slip away out of fear and complacency.
I’ve taken many chances in my life. I’ve followed treacherous paths. Some were fulfilling, some were a dead end. I’ve finally figured out what chances are meaningful and which are not. I’m slowly putting myself out there, despite the fear of hurt and pain, and it’s been a growing ache. I try to fall into old patterns, I try to push away someone who means more to me than I ever thought possible. I try to say what I want, without letting loose the words. Because for the first time, words are difficult.
They expose me for the flawed and vulnerable person I’ve become. They reveal all my insecurities and fears. They damage and bruise those around me before I can even stop their flow. So many words I wish I could take back. So many I wish I phrased differently. It has become my burden, yet I know I must overcome it. Because happy is mine to lose.
I think of that someone who can see their life’s end on the horizon. They are at peace because they found love and happiness and thankfully not too late. As someone who prides herself on punctual, I’d like to get there fifteen minutes early.