It Arrives

17 Jul

Cancer has always been on the periphery of my family.  My great grandmother died from it, my grandmother Tumor died from, yes, you guessed it, a tumor.  My aunt had colon cancer at thirty five.  It’s always been there lurking.

Now it has invaded my immediate family.  My father recovered from surgery, the tumor was small and supposedly all gone.  It has not invaded the surrounding tissue or lymph nodes.  He’s home from the hospital and resuming life, albeit with the knowledge he had cancer.  It was there and now it’s gone.  Gone.  Stay gone.

I would be remiss as a human being for not wondering when it’s my turn.  When does the Russian roulette of junky genes call my number?  My new attitude has been “if it’s not happening right now, it’s not happening.”  A mantra I’m repeating over and over as I lay in the dark blocking out whatever negative thoughts might try to creep in my conscience.  It’s not happening to me right now, so it’s time to concentrate on my father, on my daughter, on this life I’m navigating.

I keep telling myself I’m different from my family.  I have never smoked, and they all were heavy smokers for at least 20 years or longer.  I’m a vegetarian.  I attempt exercise.  I meditate.  I try to wash whatever bitterness I have on my skin off in the shower.  But it’s still a roulette wheel isn’t it.  If it’s my turn, then it is.

I’m not going to change the life I’m trying to carve out because of fear.  Fear has never been a friend of mine.  It’s led to rash decisions that have reverberated through my life.   I won’t allow fear to dictate my future.  Or cancer.  

I am the captain of my own destiny.  Or something profound like that.


3 Responses to “It Arrives”

  1. risingontheroad July 17, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

    I think life happens unplanned and erratic but right now so there is a lot of wisdom and trying to shake off worry so you can enjoy all you have. Worrying is understandable but putting it aside gives you more space for the good stuff!

  2. getoveryourselfnkm July 17, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    having gone through a double lung transplant – 6 months ago today, I had to keep telling people there is nothing wrong with me – there is some thing wrong with my lungs. It backed off some of the sillier questions. Like ” If you don’t get put on the transplant list- when will you die? Too stunned to answer that one.
    Here is to remission and more time for you to have with your father.

  3. Cold Dead Heart July 17, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    Thanks for your comments. I’m sorry to hear about your lungs, but glad you are still you. You must have days when you are scared and I’m sure it doesn’t help people do not know how to be supportive without being morbid. We all have an expiration date, and the majority of us want to delay it. Rising is right…put aside the bad stuff so there’s more space for the good.

    Here’s to rooms and rooms of good and a closed closet of bad.

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