9 Feb

So I went for a mammogram today.  It was strange.  It was scheduled at the hospital where I was born and during the drive there I drove by my first school.  There was the park where I played as a child and the street I use to sled down when it snowed.  Thank goodness it was a  perfectly routine procedure but it was the stroll down nostalgia lane that weighed on my mind.

The reality of growing older sometimes blindsides me.  I can put as many colors as I can imagine in my hair, but I can’t change my age.  Along with the twinge of reality, comes relief.  Maybe physically it’s time for me to take better care of myself, but mentally I feel like I’m almost there.  There are still residual doubts and lack of self confidence, but for the most part I grew up to be self assured and practical.  I am what I yam, blah blah.

It took a lot of trial and error.  I didn’t exactly have a blueprint in my dysfunctional parents.  Yes, I no longer speak to them, but it’s a decision that should have been made years ago.  I no longer regress to the mess I was in their presence, especially my mother.  I no longer feel the need to seek their approval, only to find it’s still unattainable.  Instead, I concentrate on my own daughter who is tripping through life and I’m there to brush her off and put her back on the path.  I want to give her the support, I lacked growing up.

This doesn’t mean as I drove by my past that it’s all bad memories.  I can allow the good ones to the forefront and not feel the need to reach out to my parents again.  It wasn’t all bad.  But the what was is no longer allowed in my life.  I’m not one of those people who believe you can blame everything on your childhood.  At some point, you have to take responsibility for the decisions you make.  Especially ones that implode your life.

I never demanded more, because I never realized there was more.  I’m old enough to know it’s okay to want what you never had.  It changed the chemistry of my brain and my heart.  What I want is completely different in my mammogram stage of life than in my carefree stage of life.  So, even though I’m at a stage to be medically poked and prodded, I feel as if my mind is finally healed.  Even if there are whole days of regression.

I realized the important lesson I’ve learned at this age is that it’s okay to deserve more.  It’s okay to want better.  It’s okay to reach out in the dark and find someone who is just as scarred.  It’s okay to reveal the soft underbelly of your soul and chance rejection.  It’s about seizing the happiness, the joy and yes, the love with full knowledge it could hurt along the way.

I thought of these things as I had my mammogram.  For all you ladies who have not experienced it yet, it’s not that bad.  Sure, being fondled by a stranger may put you off (or maybe not), but it’s rather clinical and over quickly.  There is absolutely no pain, despite having your breasts in a vice.  You walk away and think it was less evasive than most tests we have to endure.  I’ll know my results in seven to ten days.   The thoughts swirling in my mind will surely last much longer.

9 Responses to “Mammo-grammar”

  1. Jess February 10, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    Hope everything turns out ok! God Bless!

  2. getoveryourselfnkm February 10, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    You are really coming of age and I know it has been a struggle. the other day it occurred to me that I graduated from high school 50 years ago this spring. Sort of surprised me as age and time have never dictated my life. My hope for you is that when you reach that milestone you can look back and not have many regrets and know you made a real effort to be solid.

    • Cold Dead Heart February 11, 2012 at 9:31 am #

      Thank you so much. I’m learning that the roads I’ve taken shouldn’t be regretted. They’ve all led me to where I am. And where I am isn’t so bad. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you are well.

  3. David M. Green February 10, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

    One never really gets over the past but learns to live with it which is impossible for many {my experience} as long as they continue to maintain relationships with those who caused the problems in the past. As they never change and continue to cause problems in the present and future leaving one unable to heal as they are hurt over and over again.

    • Cold Dead Heart February 11, 2012 at 9:30 am #

      So true. It really is about getting past the residual feelings to move on to a place of contentment. Thanks for your words 🙂

  4. njfawcett February 13, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Your posts always make me stop and think. Great work

  5. fivereflections July 22, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    Everyone’s life is a unique novel of adventures and hardships – with every day there is a new chapter.

    Reflections good or bad remind us of who we are and where we going. Memories can never be erased but perhaps there is something that can help us except what was and focus on what can be.

    The most important time of one’s life is this very second, right now.

    David in Maine USA

    • Cold Dead Heart July 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

      Very true…we have to enjoy where we are at this very moment. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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