1 Jun

I’ve been venturing out more.  Shaking off the blanket that protected me from a non-existent winter and exploring more.  I’ve been photographing my exploits and taking in the new experiences.  I became far too dormant, too much time waiting for something else to happen, that life passed by me with a quickness that took my breath away.  It’s June already and I can’t fathom how I lost Spring.

This last weekend I went to an amusement park.  Quite amusing for me, considering I’ve never been one to enjoy baking in the hot sun while riding nausea inducing rides and roller coasters.  Yet, I decided to give it a try, to at least convince myself that I’m not lingering in middle age-dom.  Before we arrived, I swore off any roller coasters.  I shook my head and stamped my foot and declared I would not ever, and I mean ever, get on one.  What’s the point?  To be scared?  I’ve lived a life, I don’t need more things to scare me.

But there I was, and for some reason I felt braver.  I felt empowered.  I stood in a line for a roller coaster, a real wooden one, and I let them strap me into the demon contraption.  I took a deep breath and then closed my eyes as panic set in.  Before I could even scream, I was thrust forward at a break neck speed and felt every bump and turn as my body bounced in my seat.  I was riding a roller coaster.  Not happily.  Not really enjoying it.  But I was doing it.

Then came another, decidedly less exciting, but still a roller coaster and this time I opened my eyes.  I saw the track before me and I felt the wind on my face and felt the flutter in my stomach and I laughed.  It was not of pure joy.  Being that terrified of speed prevented that emotion, but it was relief.  Relief that there was this deep fear I had held inside and in a moment I had tossed it in yesterday’s neurotic trash.  I was afraid, but I did it anyway.

I stood in line three more times for rides that terrified me.  I enjoyed them as best I could.  The last roller coaster had me trembling so hard my teeth chattered.  But I was proud of myself.  I had done something I never thought I would do.  I laughed my way through all of them.  Probably to keep from shrieking in terror or crying.  I had left my comfort zone and discovered, much to my amazement, I could return to it relatively unscathed.

I know there’s all sorts of metaphors for this sort of thing.  I know there’s something profound in a moment such as this.  But I decided not to over analyze it.  Just in that one day, at that one time, I ventured into the scary forest.  Maybe if I return to the same theme park I will stick with bumper cars.  I don’t believe I need to be frightened into realizing life is worth living and enjoying.  But it’s nice to be reminded that fears are meant to be conquered.

Unless it’s fear of spiders. 


40 Responses to “Venturing”

  1. jmgoyder June 1, 2012 at 7:18 am #

    Funny and intuitive – love your stuff!

  2. Nowan Zen June 1, 2012 at 7:20 am #

    Bit by bit the walls of fear are being crumbled revealing your true awesomousity as it shine forth like a beacon in the darkness!

    I admired you for your courage.

    BTW…spider are just creepy!

  3. Martin Lack June 1, 2012 at 8:53 am #

    It has been a long time since I went to an Amusement Park but, even when I did, I have never been on a ride such as the one you took that photo from!(?) – I think they should re-name it an Amazement Park.

    Thanks so much for all your “likes” on my blog – I think you are the top scorer in that particular league. If you are in Arizona, have you read Paul Handover’s excellent mult-faceted LearningfromDogs blog (he and his wife [both ex-Pat Brits] live in Payson)?

    • Cold Dead Heart June 1, 2012 at 11:10 am #

      LOL…it was amazing. I really like reading your blog 🙂 I’m not in Arizona, but I’m definitely going to read that blog.

      • Martin Lack June 1, 2012 at 11:57 am #

        You’re very kind; I am so glad you don’t find it repetitive! From memory (of when you first subscribed), you’re actually in the UK aren’t you? (No need to disclose your location and/or repeat yourself if you don’t want to). However, either way, can you explain the long series of 12 posts about or refering to Arizona?

        Paul H has hundreds of subscribers; some of whom make me feel like a complete ignoramus – reading some of the comments is an education in itself.

      • Cold Dead Heart June 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

        Actually I’m in the US…the south to be exact…and I spent several years in Arizona..and those posts are my memories of living there 🙂

  4. m5son June 1, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    I consider myself a hardy and capable man but those rides will bring me to my knees. I can’t manage them, they terrify me. You are tougher than I am.

  5. Perfecting Motherhood June 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm #

    Spiders have to die if they enter my house, or come close to it…

    I don’t do roller coasters. I have going through turbulences on the plane and the weird feeling on my tummy telling me I could die any minute, so I wouldn’t put myself through it on purpose. I also have ongoing vertigo and there’s no way I’d shake my head and ears that much to be messed for weeks afterwards. Oh, and I have fear of heights. But I find many ways to entertain myself, so I can’t complain!

    • Cold Dead Heart June 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

      Well, it was definitely entertaining. And I’m blaming my headache I have today on the fact I must have spinal fluid leaking from being throw about in such a violent manner on a wooden roller

      • Perfecting Motherhood June 1, 2012 at 11:46 pm #

        Haha, you’re probably right! I think I’m making the right choice staying away, avoiding the crystals in my ear being moved around like in a salt shaker. My kids are not too keen on the thrill kiddie rides and I may be wrong but I’m not pushing them either. When they’re ready, they’ll go.

  6. elmediat June 1, 2012 at 6:47 pm #

    The old roller coasters are the best. The wooden plank sounds. Some of them were not that high., as I recall. There are many rides in life that we can take. Some we must take. I still remember the sound of the old roller coaster. Thanks for posting and also for visiting my blog. It is much appreciated. 🙂

    • Cold Dead Heart June 4, 2012 at 8:22 am #

      Yes, I did love the sound of it. And the wind on my face.

  7. fsszj June 1, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    Such a great story!

  8. My Tropical Home June 1, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

    You are truly brave! I tried riding a roller-coaster once a long time ago. I swore I would never do it again. All I can handle now are the kiddie-rides with my children 🙂

    Congratulations to you for facing your fears and stepping out of your comfort zone!

  9. kevmoore June 4, 2012 at 8:32 am #

    It strikes me that our views on rollercoasters are somewhat similar. I was ‘forced’ (if that’s the right word – probably not) into going on one when my fearless 10 year-old ( a looong time ago) decided he wanted to go on one. I was Dad, so non-participation was unthinkable. I hated it. But, as you describe so well , the feeling of having done it and emerged the other side no less a person for all that, was quite empowering. Plus, my little guy thought I was cool!

    • Cold Dead Heart June 4, 2012 at 9:58 am #

      Yeah I’ve earned brownie points with my kid who now doesn’t think I’m the biggest wuss in the world 🙂

  10. thepinkrachael June 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

    haha – I was reading this feeling suitably impressed – something along the lines of “wow! It’s amazing she has faced her fear – I could never do that with spiders”, and then I reached the end and realised spiders don’t count. Phew! But, I’m still impressed! I had a friedn in high school who was terrified of roller coasters, and she’d queue up with me and mutter her ay throguh the hour long queues (I can’t do. i’m mad. I’m not going to do it.I’m going to turn round. etc. etc.) but i was always so proud of her when she got on them. And I’m doubly impressed that you are taking the bull by the horns and getting out more – this was a new year’s resolution of mine, one that I have failed to do much about. I think I should take a leaf out of your book…!

    • Cold Dead Heart June 5, 2012 at 8:56 am #

      I’m trying to just put aside my preconceived fears and doubts and just go with whatever my feeling is that day. It’s very liberating.

  11. The Hook June 4, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

    Yeah, spiders suck… With the exception of Spider-Man, that is!

  12. marriagecoach1 June 5, 2012 at 9:19 am #

    Spiders are a piece of cake compared to roller coasters, you can do it, go forth bravely and stomp on a spider

    • Cold Dead Heart June 5, 2012 at 9:44 am #

      EEEEKKKK…can’t stop a spider! I had a huge wolf spider on my bed and it took me two hours to drown it. Not pretty! lol.

  13. destructivetesting June 5, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    You still won’t get me on a roller coaster! I don’t need to make myself sick to feel alive. But, I agree with your idea, and will cheer you on!


    • Cold Dead Heart June 5, 2012 at 10:55 am #

      LOL…I know what you mean. Sick is not something I want to feel often. But I’m sort of going thru a mid-life crisis that has lead to unusual behavior including rainbow hair colors and doing things I never thought I would. Who knows what will happen next 🙂

      • destructivetesting June 5, 2012 at 11:05 am #

        I sort of know what you mean. I’m past mid-life, and don’t feel like it’s been a crisis, but I care even less than I used to ‘what other people think’. In the past 10 years, I’ve got tattoos on both forearms, and have been wearing a dangling earring in one ear! If someone asks me why?, I just say why not?


      • Cold Dead Heart June 5, 2012 at 11:11 am #

        You know, I can relate. I’m past thinking about what other people think. I’m not reckless, but I’m all about antics now. I still haven’t gotten a tattoo, but maybe I will someday! I think whatever makes you happy..whatever makes you smile when you look in the mirror..that’s what you should do. Life isn’t too’s long. Be happy along the way. Laura

      • destructivetesting June 5, 2012 at 11:44 am #

        I like that line: Life isn’t too’s long. I agree completely. If I was given the choice between living one more year, or forty more years, I’m pretty sure I’d start saying my ‘goodbyes’. Not that I’m in a hurry, but…..

        I feel sorry for people who have much ‘unfinished business’ by the time they start receiving
        Social Security, which I just have. I’m at least as happy and busy as I’ve ever been, but don’t feel the need to ‘achieve’ anything else. My artwork is now being shown in galleries, but I don’t think it’s ‘better’ than what I’ve made for years, and not bothered to try to sell.

        You be happy too, Mike

      • Cold Dead Heart June 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

        Your artwork is amazing and I’m always impressed with what you turn into art. You have achieved a lot…to be in galleries is monumental and you should be able to say you’ve done a lot and you’ve kept at it. A lot of people don’t.

        Time to just enjoy 🙂

  14. Frances antoinette June 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    Like you, I could never give up my fear of spiders!

    • Cold Dead Heart June 7, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

      Spiders are icky!

      • destructivetesting June 7, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

        Plenty of people are icky too! I try to imagine what’s going through the spiders mind,
        before I squash them.


      • Cold Dead Heart June 7, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

        As much as I hate spiders..I can’t squish them. I’ve even been known to carry them outside. But I give them a dirty look as they scurry away. And they are thinking, if he doesn’t squash me, I’m going to crawl on his face at night.

  15. V. Lyn June 10, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    Love it!

  16. kiwidutch July 2, 2012 at 1:30 am #

    A cousin convinced me to go on a roller-coaster once and once was enough, in fact I was so green they descided that egging me on for a second run was probably going to backfire big time and wisely let me sit very quietly on terra firma until my stomach rejoined me quite a while later.
    Bravo for facing your fears… but you are sooo right, spiders… (I just scream for Himself to please come and deal with it for me)

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