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Hodge Podgery

9 Jul

My synapses have been on overtime lately.  I’m a whirling dervish of energy and excitement.  I’d like to blame it on my giving up gluten and potatoes (I know I know..nothing to live for), but there’s something brewing in the inner regions of my psyche that have been dormant for so long.  Truth is I feel so much more me lately.  I keep thinking I’m as me as I’ll ever be, but then there’s another layer I had forgotten I locked away in a closet.

I did give up gluten, which has meant more time in the kitchen cooking delicious items.  Look at those gluten free pizzas with mushrooms and carmelized onions.  So delicious too.

“I get lost in my mind..lost in my mind….lost…I get lost…loooooooooosssssssssst.”  Pardon me while I sing along to Head and the Heart singing Lost in My Mind.

I’m also addicted to upcycling and repurposing.  My kiddo said this is how all hoarders start out.  She may have a point, except I’m not one for things lying about.  Except as I glance over at my art table it’s covered in paint, sea glass, canvases and my coffee mug with a naked woman with swinging breasts.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s a picture.  Genius.

Maybe physically feel better and it’s rewiring my mental.  I haven’t been feeling out of sorts, but lately I feel downright childlike.  I have a wonderment and such an appetite for life.  Maybe I’m replacing my bread and potatoes hunger for another.  A hunger to live as if there is a tomorrow of promise.

Now listen to this song….I think you’ll feel the way I do:

I’d love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And tell me why
I must keep working on

Yes I’d give my life
To lay my head tonight on a bed
Of California stars

What I know…..

15 Feb

Love really is blind, it doesn’t waiver when you’re at your worst

Love really is kind, it doesn’t gloat when you’re wrong or down

Love is sweet, it wants a smile just because

Love is heat, it warms you even on the coldest days

Love endures, even in the mundane moments

Love secures, it feels like arms around you when you most need a hug

Love wanes, it fades a little and waits patiently

Love remains, it comes back with a vengeance

Love will hurt, and tears will be shed

Love must flirt and adore despite the outside world caving in

Love makes you sigh happily in your sleep

Love makes you smile instead of weep

Love brings joy to your heart

Love strengthens even when you’re apart

Love can heal all those scars

Love can be etched in the stars

Love is the arms around you in the middle of the night

Love is the hug in the middle of a fight

Love makes you a better you

Love makes everything new

Mammo-grammar

9 Feb

So I went for a mammogram today.  It was strange.  It was scheduled at the hospital where I was born and during the drive there I drove by my first school.  There was the park where I played as a child and the street I use to sled down when it snowed.  Thank goodness it was a  perfectly routine procedure but it was the stroll down nostalgia lane that weighed on my mind.

The reality of growing older sometimes blindsides me.  I can put as many colors as I can imagine in my hair, but I can’t change my age.  Along with the twinge of reality, comes relief.  Maybe physically it’s time for me to take better care of myself, but mentally I feel like I’m almost there.  There are still residual doubts and lack of self confidence, but for the most part I grew up to be self assured and practical.  I am what I yam, blah blah.

It took a lot of trial and error.  I didn’t exactly have a blueprint in my dysfunctional parents.  Yes, I no longer speak to them, but it’s a decision that should have been made years ago.  I no longer regress to the mess I was in their presence, especially my mother.  I no longer feel the need to seek their approval, only to find it’s still unattainable.  Instead, I concentrate on my own daughter who is tripping through life and I’m there to brush her off and put her back on the path.  I want to give her the support, I lacked growing up.

This doesn’t mean as I drove by my past that it’s all bad memories.  I can allow the good ones to the forefront and not feel the need to reach out to my parents again.  It wasn’t all bad.  But the what was is no longer allowed in my life.  I’m not one of those people who believe you can blame everything on your childhood.  At some point, you have to take responsibility for the decisions you make.  Especially ones that implode your life.

I never demanded more, because I never realized there was more.  I’m old enough to know it’s okay to want what you never had.  It changed the chemistry of my brain and my heart.  What I want is completely different in my mammogram stage of life than in my carefree stage of life.  So, even though I’m at a stage to be medically poked and prodded, I feel as if my mind is finally healed.  Even if there are whole days of regression.

I realized the important lesson I’ve learned at this age is that it’s okay to deserve more.  It’s okay to want better.  It’s okay to reach out in the dark and find someone who is just as scarred.  It’s okay to reveal the soft underbelly of your soul and chance rejection.  It’s about seizing the happiness, the joy and yes, the love with full knowledge it could hurt along the way.

I thought of these things as I had my mammogram.  For all you ladies who have not experienced it yet, it’s not that bad.  Sure, being fondled by a stranger may put you off (or maybe not), but it’s rather clinical and over quickly.  There is absolutely no pain, despite having your breasts in a vice.  You walk away and think it was less evasive than most tests we have to endure.  I’ll know my results in seven to ten days.   The thoughts swirling in my mind will surely last much longer.

MIEZE’S MUSINGS # 2

5 Feb

I am amused by the human race.  I sit on my perch, looking out the clear wall at them below.  They talk into devices, punch buttons on them and drink out of cans.  Always in a rush, always scurrying to somewhere else.  The sun warms my face and they don’t even look up at it.  They really don’t know the secret to happiness.

Stop and stretch in the sun every once in a while.