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For my love – Happy Valentines Day

14 Feb


And you know why this one:




Hodge Podgery

9 Jul

My synapses have been on overtime lately.  I’m a whirling dervish of energy and excitement.  I’d like to blame it on my giving up gluten and potatoes (I know I know..nothing to live for), but there’s something brewing in the inner regions of my psyche that have been dormant for so long.  Truth is I feel so much more me lately.  I keep thinking I’m as me as I’ll ever be, but then there’s another layer I had forgotten I locked away in a closet.

I did give up gluten, which has meant more time in the kitchen cooking delicious items.  Look at those gluten free pizzas with mushrooms and carmelized onions.  So delicious too.

“I get lost in my mind..lost in my mind….lost…I get lost…loooooooooosssssssssst.”  Pardon me while I sing along to Head and the Heart singing Lost in My Mind.

I’m also addicted to upcycling and repurposing.  My kiddo said this is how all hoarders start out.  She may have a point, except I’m not one for things lying about.  Except as I glance over at my art table it’s covered in paint, sea glass, canvases and my coffee mug with a naked woman with swinging breasts.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s a picture.  Genius.

Maybe physically feel better and it’s rewiring my mental.  I haven’t been feeling out of sorts, but lately I feel downright childlike.  I have a wonderment and such an appetite for life.  Maybe I’m replacing my bread and potatoes hunger for another.  A hunger to live as if there is a tomorrow of promise.

Now listen to this song….I think you’ll feel the way I do:

I’d love to feel
Your hand touching mine
And tell me why
I must keep working on

Yes I’d give my life
To lay my head tonight on a bed
Of California stars

I’m Winging it in the Rain

18 Jun

I had forgotten one of the benefits of living more South than North is summer storms.  Yesterday, with the sun out, the thunder rolled in and the sky opened and rain fell in a torrential downpour.  Rather than take shelter inside, I walked along the field, feeling the warm rain on my face and felt cleansed from the inside out.  I have learned in the years that have passed me by that it really is the simple things that make me happy.

I think about the scars of a life lived that no longer define me.  They are simply a conversation piece of who I’ve been.  Who I am is much more complicated and less defined than the marks of what has come before.  I’m an evolving being, adapting to the landscape that is sometimes more foreign than a strange planet.  I did not think my journey would lead me here, but I like the scenery.

So, I’m happy.  It took me a while to get here.  I still fret over the superficial things, but I don’t dwell on them.  I’ve become brave in my attempts to maximize what life I do have stretched out before me.  I take chances on things that in the past would have frightened me.  It’s a cliché to say with age comes wisdom, although I don’t always feel smarter.  I just know better.

Which means I’ll walk leisurely in the rain and smile.  I will consider that a moment of pure joy.  I like to collect those moments like beads.  I’ll bring them out like a prayer mala when the harshness of life reminds me that it isn’t all rain in the sunshine.

Pretty profound for a Monday morning, but I’m on my second cup of coffee.  Caffeine makes me introspective and apparently quite deep.  At least in my addled mind.

Music Mondays – Lou Barlow

12 Mar

This song says it all….





27 Feb

I can’t believe there was a time when I didn’t know about Anthony and the Johnsons.  The lead singer, Anthony, is an enigma with a voice even Adele would envy.  His falsetto trill and profound lyrics will lull you to whatever world he hails from.  My favorite song is Hope There’s Someone, a plaintiff love song that usurps every song that came before by singing it raw and plainly, “I hope there’s someone who’ll take care of me, when I die, will I go.”  Which to me starkly resonates the will of us all, we just hope there’s someone who will take care of us.  

I prefer their live recordings, because you never know what you will witness.  It doesn’t matter what version, I love Cripple and the Starfish.  It is a song not meant to be as beautiful as it sounds.  And we’ve all been there when we’re happy in a relationship, when it’s as healthy as it could be, yet we’re waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop and began questioning whether we deserve such happiness.  Just listen to the lyrics, “I am very happy, so please hit me…I am very happy, so please hurt me.”

I could wax poetic about my next favorite song, but you simply must just listen.  Rapture is the kind of song that makes you ache, not just because of the lyrics but the emotion the melody evokes.  It’s about the end of it.  That painful breakup, that saying goodbye to someone you love.  The falling down of everything you’ve known.  Reaching out toward…what?

Some other notables:



Now go listen!


What I know…..

15 Feb

Love really is blind, it doesn’t waiver when you’re at your worst

Love really is kind, it doesn’t gloat when you’re wrong or down

Love is sweet, it wants a smile just because

Love is heat, it warms you even on the coldest days

Love endures, even in the mundane moments

Love secures, it feels like arms around you when you most need a hug

Love wanes, it fades a little and waits patiently

Love remains, it comes back with a vengeance

Love will hurt, and tears will be shed

Love must flirt and adore despite the outside world caving in

Love makes you sigh happily in your sleep

Love makes you smile instead of weep

Love brings joy to your heart

Love strengthens even when you’re apart

Love can heal all those scars

Love can be etched in the stars

Love is the arms around you in the middle of the night

Love is the hug in the middle of a fight

Love makes you a better you

Love makes everything new

Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

My heart squishes when I walk…


Thumpity thumps when I talk…


Wear it on my sleeve…


Can’t make it not believe…


9 Feb

So I went for a mammogram today.  It was strange.  It was scheduled at the hospital where I was born and during the drive there I drove by my first school.  There was the park where I played as a child and the street I use to sled down when it snowed.  Thank goodness it was a  perfectly routine procedure but it was the stroll down nostalgia lane that weighed on my mind.

The reality of growing older sometimes blindsides me.  I can put as many colors as I can imagine in my hair, but I can’t change my age.  Along with the twinge of reality, comes relief.  Maybe physically it’s time for me to take better care of myself, but mentally I feel like I’m almost there.  There are still residual doubts and lack of self confidence, but for the most part I grew up to be self assured and practical.  I am what I yam, blah blah.

It took a lot of trial and error.  I didn’t exactly have a blueprint in my dysfunctional parents.  Yes, I no longer speak to them, but it’s a decision that should have been made years ago.  I no longer regress to the mess I was in their presence, especially my mother.  I no longer feel the need to seek their approval, only to find it’s still unattainable.  Instead, I concentrate on my own daughter who is tripping through life and I’m there to brush her off and put her back on the path.  I want to give her the support, I lacked growing up.

This doesn’t mean as I drove by my past that it’s all bad memories.  I can allow the good ones to the forefront and not feel the need to reach out to my parents again.  It wasn’t all bad.  But the what was is no longer allowed in my life.  I’m not one of those people who believe you can blame everything on your childhood.  At some point, you have to take responsibility for the decisions you make.  Especially ones that implode your life.

I never demanded more, because I never realized there was more.  I’m old enough to know it’s okay to want what you never had.  It changed the chemistry of my brain and my heart.  What I want is completely different in my mammogram stage of life than in my carefree stage of life.  So, even though I’m at a stage to be medically poked and prodded, I feel as if my mind is finally healed.  Even if there are whole days of regression.

I realized the important lesson I’ve learned at this age is that it’s okay to deserve more.  It’s okay to want better.  It’s okay to reach out in the dark and find someone who is just as scarred.  It’s okay to reveal the soft underbelly of your soul and chance rejection.  It’s about seizing the happiness, the joy and yes, the love with full knowledge it could hurt along the way.

I thought of these things as I had my mammogram.  For all you ladies who have not experienced it yet, it’s not that bad.  Sure, being fondled by a stranger may put you off (or maybe not), but it’s rather clinical and over quickly.  There is absolutely no pain, despite having your breasts in a vice.  You walk away and think it was less evasive than most tests we have to endure.  I’ll know my results in seven to ten days.   The thoughts swirling in my mind will surely last much longer.

Dogs are so useful

9 Feb

Music Mondays – Sigur Ros

6 Feb

Sigur Ros is not an obscure band no one knows about, yet I like them anyway.  I was a dabbler.  I knew a few songs, barely enough to call myself a fan.  Then I met my Sigur Ros soulmate who introduced me to the world of Icelandic music and Jonsi.  I too often use the word beautiful.  I seem to find it everywhere.  I wish there was another word (yes, I checked the thesaurus) that would adequately capture their music.  It is beautiful, uplifting and transforming.

One of my favorite songs is Vaka.  Yes, I realize the lyrics are not in English.  Who cares.  I can feel every emotion Jonsi is conveying.  One of the first I fell in love with is Hoppipolla.   The video is brilliant.  A take on childhood from an elderly perspective.  It’s perfection is how it carries you along, bobbing on a river of happy.  It’s a testament to music that it can transcend language and lyrical intent to hold you in its grasp.

One of their most famous songs is Staralfur.  It is a song that will forever remain in my top five favorites.  I put it on, close my eyes and find myself transported to a bright field of green and I can feel everything.  If you’ve never heard of them, it’s time.

A few other notables:

Now go listen!